Monday, July 6, 2009

God Torments Red States With
Post-Holiday Climatic Catharsis

17 He would crush me with a storm
and multiply my wounds for no reason.

18 He would not let me regain my breath
but would overwhelm me with misery.
-Job 9:17-18

As if the Plague of Obesity warn't enough diety-mayhem for Independence Weekend, God visited another bucket-'o-whup-ass on the Red States in the form of one of his fave techniques: Weather. Specifically, bad weather.

According to God's Own Online Weather Outlet, Accuweather:

Nasty Storms Rudely Interrupt Close of Holiday Weekend
By Heather Buchman

Thunderstorms capable of producing flash flooding, tree-downing winds and possibly even isolated tornadoes will bear down on Southerners into the early part of the week. Those making a late trip back home after the holiday weekend or heading back to work Monday could be dealing with slowed traffic or even detours.

It's the same storm system that brought flooding rain and a few tornadoes to the Midwest Saturday that will be the culprit behind the thunderstorms in the South through Monday. Areas that will remain in the threat zone will stretch from the piedmont of the Carolinas through the Gulf Coast states and eastern Texas.

Cities like
Columbia, S.C., Atlanta, Ga., Montgomery, Ala., and Jackson, Miss., will all run the risk for the most intense storms into Monday. Flight delays could result at many of the major airports across the South.

And the topper? According to the Memphis Record via News of the Wierd, Young Republican and fetus rights activist Ezedrick Jones, 18, was arrested in Memphis, Tenn., for the attempted robbery of the Kentucky Fried Chicken store from which he'd recently been fired. Though masked, Jones was quickly recognized by his former manager via the mask's oversized eye holes and his giant Palin for President button. Throughout the robbery the manager addressed Ezedrick by name.

All signs of Big Man's displeasure for this set of unreconstructed loyal Red States. It may start with giant honking thunderstorms, but it he will only release his tormented once they have have eaten the ashes by experiencing traffic detours, flight delays, and The Plague of Meatheads.

God Hates Red States.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Newsflash: God Makes Antelope Hit
Motorcyclists in Grand Teton

The relentless Hand of God has victimized another Red State today as The Daunting Diety smacked down motorcyclists in Wyoming.

As reported by the Billings Gazette, the visitation of The Plague of Horny Horned Critters Who Confuse Bikers With Bucks, resulted in more Biblical carnage:

GRAND TETON NATIONAL PARK, Wyo. - An antelope running across a road knocked a couple off a motorcycle as they drove through Grand Teton National Park.

Park officials say 38-year-old Brady Burgess, of Garland, Utah, was driving the bike and had just passed a motor home at 65 mph when the antelope leaped and struck the motorcycle sideways Saturday. The animal knocked the couple off the bike, which fell over and slid 100 feet down U.S. 26/89/191.

Another report on the radio news indicated the motorbike was a Kawasaki, more indication that God is "wastin' Philistine heathens" (as it says in Timothy II) who buy not-Made in the U.S. products.

God Hates Red States.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Fact: Republicans Cause Obesity

Causality is Density. Density is Monetizable.
- Milton Friedman

So to celebrate Independence Week, the Trust for America's Health exposed a long-hidden (but barely secret) fact: a high state incidence of GOP membership and voting causes people to get fat...not just in the head, like from listening to Der große Hillbilly Heroin Addict, but in the corpus, as well.

No big surprise here. William Howard Taft, a Republican who became the 27th president of the United States, was such a lard-ass that when he became a Justice of the Supreme Court, he couldn't get his 300+ pound physique up the stairs to his working area. He was, as they said at the time, "too big to fail," so's they had to build a special Taft+1 sized elevator to haul his carcass (shaped by years of training at Republican all-you-can-eat havens such as Olde Country Buffet) up to the job (an early form of Republican Corporal Welfare).

But back to the present. The Trust published a table of obesity by state, and it looks eerily, uncannily like the table of voting-Republican in the last election. Wide-enders and Dead-Enders are the same sub-population.

Look for yourself. Here's a list of the 10 states with the highest rates of adult obesity:
1. Mississippi (32.5%)
2. Alabama (31.2%)
3. West Virginia (31.1%)
4. Tennessee (30.2%)
5. South Carolina (29.7%)
6. Oklahoma (29.5%)
7. Kentucky (29.0%)
8. Louisiana (28.9%)

9. Michigan (28.8%)

10. Arkansas (28.6%)
Nine of the top ten obesity states voted Red in the 2008 election.
Let's look at the bottom ten United States in obesity frequency:
41. California (23.6%)
42. New Jersey (23.4%)

43. Montana (22.7%)
44. Utah (22.5%)

45. District of Columbia (22.3%)
46. Vermont (22.1%)
47. Hawaii (21.8%)
48. Rhode Island (21.7%)
49. Connecticut (21.3%)
50. Massachusetts (21.2%)
51. Colorado (18.9%)

Eight of the Top Ten States in HWP voted Blue in the 2008 election.

It's sad to say, but the Lester Pearson alpha sigma squared at 98% confidence with a correlation coefficient of .567097114 leaves no other conclusion possible except that voting Republican makes not only the voter more likely to be obese, but his fellow state residents, too.

Why is this true? Niccolò Machiavelli, a great GOP hero, once noted that body type follows the politics of the city state in which an individual lived and that a city state driven by greed will be increasingly inhabited by people who are interested in consuming more than the minimum needed to prosper. As prosperity, he suggested, is measured against a yardstick not of prospering but of acquiring the maximum amount of free and available possessions, eating for its own sake, for proving one's ability to consume beyond the level that defines prosperous, will result in competitive overconsumption -- the very definition of the millenarianist, Talibaptist cult that has taken over the Republican party, a cult that abjures everyone to do without even as it consumes mass quantities of the things it most proscribes for everyone else.

With everything else the Republicans have to take on coming into their make-or-break 2010 election fund-raising rumpus, it's kind of a shame this devastating research had to surface right now as just about everyone whose name isn't Timmy Geithner is tightening their belts, a severe constraint on flab expansion and, therefore, as we already proved above, Republican values.

God hates Red States.