Saturday, August 22, 2009

God Unleashes Plagues of Bees and
Dumb Neighbors and then Pilfers Socks

They swarmed around me like bees, but they were extinguished like burning thornbushes.
So armed with the name of the LORD, I defeated them." - Psalm 118

The Lord Above will never rest until his subjects in Red States recant the heresy of their ways and He or She will continue to visit upon those unforgiven heathen an endless parade of Plagues. Some will be minor irritations. Some will threaten every material comfort held near by inhuman-kind.

In many western states, where gun ownership is a right, citizens rarely allow fellow citizens with clear mental illness, presbyopia, or retarded social skills run loose with loaded weapons. Gun rights and a well-regulated set of behaviors go together, fist in glove, cartridge in chamber, Paxil in 'Tard Skull.

Red states such as Arizona draw numbskulls and because their gun culture is so immature, and in part because there are already a lot of fruitbats there. AND GOD REALLY HATES IMMATURE GUN CULTURE

First, there's the Plague of Bees infesting Phoenix, the Red State's largest (and most cancerous) city. Not one, but multiple incidents featuring God's Own Death Panels have turned idyllic neighborhoods into Sting-a-Palooza, in some cases, most afflicting actual numbskulls.

PHOENIX – Two elderly people are in the hospital after hundreds of bees swarmed two different Valley neighborhoods.

Doctors are keeping a close eye on an 81-year old Phoenix woman who was attacked by bees at her home in the area 33rd Avenue and Cactus Road.Toni Parker walked outside Wednesday afternoon and was swarmed by bees from a hive that was under a shed in her backyard. Parker tried to run back into the house, but fell and broke her hip. That's when the bees really attacked. They stung Parker more than 300 times all over her body, even inside her mouth and ears.

Fire crews tried to use extinguishers and hoses to clear off the bees but the bees then started to attack them. Two police officers were also stung about 50 times each.

The second bee attack took place in front of a home near 32nd Street and Indian School Road just a few hours later. According to fire crews, the 85-year-man [uh, NUMBSKULL] was trying to get rid of a swarm of bees by vacuuming them. The swarm turned on him with a vengeance, stinging him between 75 and 100 times. Officers chained the man to their rear bumper and dragged the man for two blocks before the bees gave up their attack.

Vacuuming. Swarm of Bees. Say that to yerself a few times. ...sometimes even The Big Guy needs to cut someone out the herd, and that usually means a Republican.

But the Apian Hegemony is the small stuff. Since 8.9% of the state's economy derives from tourism, it'd be a real shootin-yerself-in-the-foot moment to mingle immature gun culture with Real American Adults Who Work For A Living, since the Real Americans would soon realize the immature gun culturalsweren't people they'd want to spend leisure time around.

But how do Real Americans recognize Immature Weapon Culturals?

It ain't an exact science, but the Immatures sure do a great job of stayin' away from the subtle signs and tend to go straight for the Juggulur Vein Of Showing Off Their Stuff. As in...

Killer stabbed man 50 times, left him burning in trash

PHOENIX -- For a few weeks, Phoenix police have been piecing together clues in a gruesome murder mystery after finding a man's dismembered body burned inside a trash bin earlier this month.

Wednesday, they announced the arrest of the person who they believe is his killer, 33-year-old Angela Simpson, Young Republican co-chair for Pima County.

Simpson told 3TV she promised Terry Neely sex and drugs in order to get him to come to her North Phoenix apartment. Once there, Simpson said she beat Simpson with a tire iron, hammered a 3-inch nail into his head, pulled his teeth and strangled him with a television cord.

She's also accused of stabbing him at least 50 times with multiple knives. His body was found with a coaxial cable wrapped around his neck. Neely's arms and legs were also removed from his torso before he was dumped in a trash bin which was left burning near 9th and Peoria avenues.

"You made him watch it through a mirror?" Wingate asked.

"Yes, I did," Simpson replied calmly. "He needed to see what he deserved."

Wingate described Simpson as articulate and straightforward. When Wingate asked her why she killed Neely, the answer, to Simpson, seemed simple. "I don't want my children or the people I consider family to be in a place where there are people who would support health reform," she said.

Well, this kind of habit makes Real Americans hesitant to spend their dollars in Red States. Evidence? How about an epistle from the most popular American travel guru:
Travel guru says gun laws enough to avoid Arizona

PHOENIX -- Travel icon Arthur Frommer says he won't be spending his tourism dollars at the Grand Canyon, or anywhere else in Arizona, because the state's laws allow people he described as "thugs" and "extremists" to openly carry firearms.

The author of budget-travel guides said on his blog Wednesday that he was "shocked beyond measure" by reports that protesters openly carried guns and rifles outside a Phoenix building where President Barack Obama spoke on Monday.

So the Plague of Bees and The Plague of Young Republicans is conjoined with The Plague of Declining Tourism Revenues. Where will it all end?


You don't need to hear from Jeremiah what this means:
God Steals Socks from Sierra Vista Backyard, Declares 'Let There Be No Motion Sensor Light'
SIERRA VISTA, Ariz. -- A southern Arizona man is out a dozen pairs of socks after the Deity sneaked into his backyard early Monday and stole socks off a clothesline.

The resident told the Cochise County Sheriff's Office Tuesday that at some point between late Sunday and early Monday, someone entered his fenced-in back yard in Palominas and made off with 12 pairs of white athletic socks that were hanging on a clothesline. A motion sensor light was also damaged.

Because this is what it means:


Sunday, August 2, 2009

The Beginning of the End for the Reddest State

You have produced more businessmen than there are stars in the sky.
[They are] like grasshoppers that attack and then fly away.
-Nahum 3:16

As if the Plague of Randy Antelopes warn't enough Supreme Being-wilding for seeing out July, God visited another bushel-'o-misery on the Reddest of Red States in the form of an ancient, but gristly technique: Locust-like swarmfestation.

As written up in God's Weekly News Outlet of Choice, The Christian Science Monitor:

Invasion of the grasshoppers

Hordes of hungry grasshoppers make gardening and farming more difficult in parts of Utah.

TOOELE, Utah -- An ambitious director might look at Mitch Halligan’s property and see an instant B-movie classic: “Invasion of the Grasshoppers.” The place is overrun with the greasy little bugs. With each step you take on his property, the squirmy inch-long grasshoppers jump for cover in every direction. Those that don’t crunch under foot perch themselves atop tall grass stalks, crawl up pant legs or munch through gardens.

Across the road isn’t much better. Grasshoppers blanketed the neighbors’ entryway a few days ago and forced them to come in through the back door.

“I’d call this the closest that I’ve seen to a plague in a long time,” Mr. Halligan said.

Grasshoppers are regular summer visitors and a perennial crop-eating pest for farmers, but this year’s invasion in Tooele County west of Salt Lake City (Redder than most counties in this Redder than Red State) is worse than anyone can remember. Tooele County commissioners have been swamped with calls about grasshoppers, particularly by people living next to undeveloped land where grasshoppers hatch –sometimes up to 2,000 per square foot.

There’s like 100 times more grasshoppers than what we’re used to,” said Bruce Clegg, a county commissioner whose family has lived in the area for generations.

Northeast of Tooele, the grasshoppers showed up suddenly and attacked Leana Jackson’s backyard garden, devoured her lawn-mower, found their way into her house and ate all the hoses and upholstery in her car.

“Just their sheer abundance can make them a pretty destructive insect,” said Clint Burfitt, an entomologist with the Utah Department of Agriculture and Food. His office estimates that grasshoppers have hit about 250,000 acres in Utah this year.

Plentiful populations have residents flicking them off their clothing and trying to prevent them from killing small children attending summer camps. “I think you could say it’s the worst-ever in Tooele County. I don’t think it’d be a stretch to say that,” Greenhalgh said.
It's been a nothing-but tough month for the Beehive State, and not because there are too many queens in the hive. God's anger is transubstantiatin' in multiple ways designed to warn Utah residents to repent their sinful, greedy, hateful ways.

When police dispatchers in Plain City received news of a small child recklessly driving a car, they ratched up some warm pursuit. It turned out the little tormentor was seven-year old Preston Scarbrough who stole the car to escape his family's Sunday church lip-service.

U.S. marshals shut down the manufacture of an important Utah company's skin sanitizers and other anti-bacterial products and seized the inventory because they allege the products are contaminated...with bacteria. Lordy, that's Made in Red China-quality f-you corporate behavior. According to AP, the products from Clarcon Biological Chemistry Laboratory's facility in Roy, Utah also had unsantiary manufacturing practices. FDA also warned the public Saturday not to use any Clarcon products because they contain harmful bacteria.

According to new reports out of Utah, it looks like the state is gonna get a whole lot more bigger shipment of untreatable radioactive waste in a few weeks. The Reddest State's governor negotiated a deal with EnergySolutions, a radioactive waste dump operator that in exchange for not expanding their current facilities with more lethal hazmat, the polluter-for-profit could keep the 5,500,000 cubic yards of fatal waste in its Utah property. But the Reddest State's governor has been appointed to be ambassador to the Reddest Nation, Red China, and EnergySolutions ain't saying whether they are leaning towards stickin' to their agreement with a new gov coming in. I guess the Utah voters can always treat their radioactive burns with some Clarcon skin-sanitizer.

God Hates Red States.

Monday, July 6, 2009

God Torments Red States With
Post-Holiday Climatic Catharsis

17 He would crush me with a storm
and multiply my wounds for no reason.

18 He would not let me regain my breath
but would overwhelm me with misery.
-Job 9:17-18

As if the Plague of Obesity warn't enough diety-mayhem for Independence Weekend, God visited another bucket-'o-whup-ass on the Red States in the form of one of his fave techniques: Weather. Specifically, bad weather.

According to God's Own Online Weather Outlet, Accuweather:

Nasty Storms Rudely Interrupt Close of Holiday Weekend
By Heather Buchman

Thunderstorms capable of producing flash flooding, tree-downing winds and possibly even isolated tornadoes will bear down on Southerners into the early part of the week. Those making a late trip back home after the holiday weekend or heading back to work Monday could be dealing with slowed traffic or even detours.

It's the same storm system that brought flooding rain and a few tornadoes to the Midwest Saturday that will be the culprit behind the thunderstorms in the South through Monday. Areas that will remain in the threat zone will stretch from the piedmont of the Carolinas through the Gulf Coast states and eastern Texas.

Cities like
Columbia, S.C., Atlanta, Ga., Montgomery, Ala., and Jackson, Miss., will all run the risk for the most intense storms into Monday. Flight delays could result at many of the major airports across the South.

And the topper? According to the Memphis Record via News of the Wierd, Young Republican and fetus rights activist Ezedrick Jones, 18, was arrested in Memphis, Tenn., for the attempted robbery of the Kentucky Fried Chicken store from which he'd recently been fired. Though masked, Jones was quickly recognized by his former manager via the mask's oversized eye holes and his giant Palin for President button. Throughout the robbery the manager addressed Ezedrick by name.

All signs of Big Man's displeasure for this set of unreconstructed loyal Red States. It may start with giant honking thunderstorms, but it he will only release his tormented once they have have eaten the ashes by experiencing traffic detours, flight delays, and The Plague of Meatheads.

God Hates Red States.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Newsflash: God Makes Antelope Hit
Motorcyclists in Grand Teton

The relentless Hand of God has victimized another Red State today as The Daunting Diety smacked down motorcyclists in Wyoming.

As reported by the Billings Gazette, the visitation of The Plague of Horny Horned Critters Who Confuse Bikers With Bucks, resulted in more Biblical carnage:

GRAND TETON NATIONAL PARK, Wyo. - An antelope running across a road knocked a couple off a motorcycle as they drove through Grand Teton National Park.

Park officials say 38-year-old Brady Burgess, of Garland, Utah, was driving the bike and had just passed a motor home at 65 mph when the antelope leaped and struck the motorcycle sideways Saturday. The animal knocked the couple off the bike, which fell over and slid 100 feet down U.S. 26/89/191.

Another report on the radio news indicated the motorbike was a Kawasaki, more indication that God is "wastin' Philistine heathens" (as it says in Timothy II) who buy not-Made in the U.S. products.

God Hates Red States.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Fact: Republicans Cause Obesity

Causality is Density. Density is Monetizable.
- Milton Friedman

So to celebrate Independence Week, the Trust for America's Health exposed a long-hidden (but barely secret) fact: a high state incidence of GOP membership and voting causes people to get fat...not just in the head, like from listening to Der große Hillbilly Heroin Addict, but in the corpus, as well.

No big surprise here. William Howard Taft, a Republican who became the 27th president of the United States, was such a lard-ass that when he became a Justice of the Supreme Court, he couldn't get his 300+ pound physique up the stairs to his working area. He was, as they said at the time, "too big to fail," so's they had to build a special Taft+1 sized elevator to haul his carcass (shaped by years of training at Republican all-you-can-eat havens such as Olde Country Buffet) up to the job (an early form of Republican Corporal Welfare).

But back to the present. The Trust published a table of obesity by state, and it looks eerily, uncannily like the table of voting-Republican in the last election. Wide-enders and Dead-Enders are the same sub-population.

Look for yourself. Here's a list of the 10 states with the highest rates of adult obesity:
1. Mississippi (32.5%)
2. Alabama (31.2%)
3. West Virginia (31.1%)
4. Tennessee (30.2%)
5. South Carolina (29.7%)
6. Oklahoma (29.5%)
7. Kentucky (29.0%)
8. Louisiana (28.9%)

9. Michigan (28.8%)

10. Arkansas (28.6%)
Nine of the top ten obesity states voted Red in the 2008 election.
Let's look at the bottom ten United States in obesity frequency:
41. California (23.6%)
42. New Jersey (23.4%)

43. Montana (22.7%)
44. Utah (22.5%)

45. District of Columbia (22.3%)
46. Vermont (22.1%)
47. Hawaii (21.8%)
48. Rhode Island (21.7%)
49. Connecticut (21.3%)
50. Massachusetts (21.2%)
51. Colorado (18.9%)

Eight of the Top Ten States in HWP voted Blue in the 2008 election.

It's sad to say, but the Lester Pearson alpha sigma squared at 98% confidence with a correlation coefficient of .567097114 leaves no other conclusion possible except that voting Republican makes not only the voter more likely to be obese, but his fellow state residents, too.

Why is this true? Niccolò Machiavelli, a great GOP hero, once noted that body type follows the politics of the city state in which an individual lived and that a city state driven by greed will be increasingly inhabited by people who are interested in consuming more than the minimum needed to prosper. As prosperity, he suggested, is measured against a yardstick not of prospering but of acquiring the maximum amount of free and available possessions, eating for its own sake, for proving one's ability to consume beyond the level that defines prosperous, will result in competitive overconsumption -- the very definition of the millenarianist, Talibaptist cult that has taken over the Republican party, a cult that abjures everyone to do without even as it consumes mass quantities of the things it most proscribes for everyone else.

With everything else the Republicans have to take on coming into their make-or-break 2010 election fund-raising rumpus, it's kind of a shame this devastating research had to surface right now as just about everyone whose name isn't Timmy Geithner is tightening their belts, a severe constraint on flab expansion and, therefore, as we already proved above, Republican values.

God hates Red States.