Monday, July 6, 2009

God Torments Red States With
Post-Holiday Climatic Catharsis

17 He would crush me with a storm
and multiply my wounds for no reason.

18 He would not let me regain my breath
but would overwhelm me with misery.
-Job 9:17-18

As if the Plague of Obesity warn't enough diety-mayhem for Independence Weekend, God visited another bucket-'o-whup-ass on the Red States in the form of one of his fave techniques: Weather. Specifically, bad weather.

According to God's Own Online Weather Outlet, Accuweather:

Nasty Storms Rudely Interrupt Close of Holiday Weekend
By Heather Buchman

Thunderstorms capable of producing flash flooding, tree-downing winds and possibly even isolated tornadoes will bear down on Southerners into the early part of the week. Those making a late trip back home after the holiday weekend or heading back to work Monday could be dealing with slowed traffic or even detours.

It's the same storm system that brought flooding rain and a few tornadoes to the Midwest Saturday that will be the culprit behind the thunderstorms in the South through Monday. Areas that will remain in the threat zone will stretch from the piedmont of the Carolinas through the Gulf Coast states and eastern Texas.

Cities like
Columbia, S.C., Atlanta, Ga., Montgomery, Ala., and Jackson, Miss., will all run the risk for the most intense storms into Monday. Flight delays could result at many of the major airports across the South.

And the topper? According to the Memphis Record via News of the Wierd, Young Republican and fetus rights activist Ezedrick Jones, 18, was arrested in Memphis, Tenn., for the attempted robbery of the Kentucky Fried Chicken store from which he'd recently been fired. Though masked, Jones was quickly recognized by his former manager via the mask's oversized eye holes and his giant Palin for President button. Throughout the robbery the manager addressed Ezedrick by name.

All signs of Big Man's displeasure for this set of unreconstructed loyal Red States. It may start with giant honking thunderstorms, but it he will only release his tormented once they have have eaten the ashes by experiencing traffic detours, flight delays, and The Plague of Meatheads.

God Hates Red States.