Sunday, August 2, 2009

The Beginning of the End for the Reddest State

You have produced more businessmen than there are stars in the sky.
[They are] like grasshoppers that attack and then fly away.
-Nahum 3:16

As if the Plague of Randy Antelopes warn't enough Supreme Being-wilding for seeing out July, God visited another bushel-'o-misery on the Reddest of Red States in the form of an ancient, but gristly technique: Locust-like swarmfestation.

As written up in God's Weekly News Outlet of Choice, The Christian Science Monitor:

Invasion of the grasshoppers

Hordes of hungry grasshoppers make gardening and farming more difficult in parts of Utah.

TOOELE, Utah -- An ambitious director might look at Mitch Halligan’s property and see an instant B-movie classic: “Invasion of the Grasshoppers.” The place is overrun with the greasy little bugs. With each step you take on his property, the squirmy inch-long grasshoppers jump for cover in every direction. Those that don’t crunch under foot perch themselves atop tall grass stalks, crawl up pant legs or munch through gardens.

Across the road isn’t much better. Grasshoppers blanketed the neighbors’ entryway a few days ago and forced them to come in through the back door.

“I’d call this the closest that I’ve seen to a plague in a long time,” Mr. Halligan said.

Grasshoppers are regular summer visitors and a perennial crop-eating pest for farmers, but this year’s invasion in Tooele County west of Salt Lake City (Redder than most counties in this Redder than Red State) is worse than anyone can remember. Tooele County commissioners have been swamped with calls about grasshoppers, particularly by people living next to undeveloped land where grasshoppers hatch –sometimes up to 2,000 per square foot.

There’s like 100 times more grasshoppers than what we’re used to,” said Bruce Clegg, a county commissioner whose family has lived in the area for generations.

Northeast of Tooele, the grasshoppers showed up suddenly and attacked Leana Jackson’s backyard garden, devoured her lawn-mower, found their way into her house and ate all the hoses and upholstery in her car.

“Just their sheer abundance can make them a pretty destructive insect,” said Clint Burfitt, an entomologist with the Utah Department of Agriculture and Food. His office estimates that grasshoppers have hit about 250,000 acres in Utah this year.

Plentiful populations have residents flicking them off their clothing and trying to prevent them from killing small children attending summer camps. “I think you could say it’s the worst-ever in Tooele County. I don’t think it’d be a stretch to say that,” Greenhalgh said.
It's been a nothing-but tough month for the Beehive State, and not because there are too many queens in the hive. God's anger is transubstantiatin' in multiple ways designed to warn Utah residents to repent their sinful, greedy, hateful ways.

When police dispatchers in Plain City received news of a small child recklessly driving a car, they ratched up some warm pursuit. It turned out the little tormentor was seven-year old Preston Scarbrough who stole the car to escape his family's Sunday church lip-service.

U.S. marshals shut down the manufacture of an important Utah company's skin sanitizers and other anti-bacterial products and seized the inventory because they allege the products are contaminated...with bacteria. Lordy, that's Made in Red China-quality f-you corporate behavior. According to AP, the products from Clarcon Biological Chemistry Laboratory's facility in Roy, Utah also had unsantiary manufacturing practices. FDA also warned the public Saturday not to use any Clarcon products because they contain harmful bacteria.

According to new reports out of Utah, it looks like the state is gonna get a whole lot more bigger shipment of untreatable radioactive waste in a few weeks. The Reddest State's governor negotiated a deal with EnergySolutions, a radioactive waste dump operator that in exchange for not expanding their current facilities with more lethal hazmat, the polluter-for-profit could keep the 5,500,000 cubic yards of fatal waste in its Utah property. But the Reddest State's governor has been appointed to be ambassador to the Reddest Nation, Red China, and EnergySolutions ain't saying whether they are leaning towards stickin' to their agreement with a new gov coming in. I guess the Utah voters can always treat their radioactive burns with some Clarcon skin-sanitizer.

God Hates Red States.